People always ask me “do you ever miss the people who you’ve left behind?” I’ll give you my honest answer in which I reply to everyone,”Never, but I do thank them for moulding me into the person I am today.” “Why?” you might ask?
I’ve lived my entire life being an outsider. I despise drama and still some how tend to unintentionally get caught up in it all. When I was in high school, I was friends with a great bunch of people I will admit. But always felt left out or out of sorts, even if I was included in every conversation or social activity/event. I was what you would probably call a “Wallflower”, I saw things and I understood. Never judged those based on their actions/decisions. Always endeavoured to see the second side to the story before I spoke about anything. BUT if you decided you were going to pick on me or belittle me. There’s no second side to the story. There’s no understanding before I spoke. I just did. Hypocritical? I think not.
People would say “You burnt the bridges.” At times yes, however majority of times it was quite the opposite. I gave, gave, and gave. With nothing in return. I didn’t bother burning any bridges they were automatic. In other cases he/she would burn them for me, and that never bothered me in the slightest.
I’m not going to give you a sop story and make you feel sorry for me. I don’t want pitty I just want you to understand. I’m used to the idea of not having friends but being surrounded by family. Now you’re probably sitting there calling me; lame/loser or you’re sitting there understanding and relating to my situation or maybe you’ve no comment. Either way I’ll explain why I surround myself with family and one friend instead of the plural.
I have one friend one. Whom I would consider my sister. Someone who’s been there since day one. Who stood by me when no one else saw a moot point. Who didn’t burn bridges nil and void. When I left high school she was the only one who bothered to keep any form of proper communication. Others I feel were “fazes” not by my decision but by their’s. Which I wholeheartedly respect. I was 18 I didn’t care if I had friends or a social life. I couldn’t care less if I had to stay at home with my parents and watch the news or neighbours it never fazed me in the slightest.
Yes, I’ve stayed out and partied till the Sun rose. Gone on adventures in the middle of the night till the Sun rose again with people whom I thought were my friends. But bridges were burnt and people or events had by many never spoken of, about or to again.
It was an endless and vicious cycle of trying to find a “place.” Trying to find myself. A place where I belonged, where I didn’t feel left out and where I didn’t feel belittled. A place I could call home. All of which ended up back to where it started. Feeling all of the above. Eventually I gave up. Not out of bitterness or spite. But to save myself from further losing quality of life. I personally feel as though i’ll “click” with someone if I’m meant to be in their lives.
Sooner rather than later thanks to all the ups and downs, the vicious cycle I had created. I realised it wasn’t them but me who should have burnt bridges. I realised by self worth and my couldn’t give a fuck attitudes amounted to something.
In short I will say this. You have and always will have the ability to pick and choose who will lift you up and who will put you down. Only you can choose who and what you surround yourself with; if by chance you find out things the hard way. So be it.
I have learnt that every occurrence both good and bad will continue to mould you into who You are. We all just have to keep fighting.